How To Red Box

I don’t know about y’all, but sometimes I really miss the days of going to a video store to pick out a movie. I remember going once in a while as a kid with my family, and it was always really special for it to be your turn to pick out something (five kids, sigh). Even when I was older, it was nice to take my time wandering around the store until I found something that looked really good.

The first job I got at age 16 was at a Not Blockbuster video store, where I was eventually promoted to assistant manager and then manager over another location. I loved it. There was just something about the smell of shrink wrap (as well as using it to shrink wrap a coworker’s textbook or purse) and foam inserts. Yes, I’m slightly weird. Yes, you love me anyway!

Unfortunately, the video store I worked at has gone out of business now, like most other video stores. Thank you, Netflix and Red Box. Don’t get me wrong, though — I’m not a hater. I just want to have my cake and eat it, too. I’d never give up Netflix, and Red Box could be nice for the occasional movie rental. I say “could be” because people suck so hard that they make what should be a painless transaction so annoying that it’s worth paying twice as much to rent on Amazon.

If you’re concerned that your Red Box behavior is forcing people to turn to Amazon, read below to find out How To Red Box properly. If any of them apply to you, then you may want to rethink your entire Red Box process.

Respect the personal bubble. Look at the space between you and the person at the kiosk. If you stretch out your arms, would you touch her? Yes? Then MOVE. No one wants someone not their spawn or spouse all up on them, especially not when handling the delicate business that is picking out a movie that costs $1.29!

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Stop it with the sighing. I know that it can be annoying when someone takes forever to pick out a movie, but chill. It’ll be your turn soon enough, but if not, you can always find another kiosk. Or watch Netflix. Or illegally download something. No one wants to hear you acting like you’re about to have an asthma attack back there, especially when one is merely returning a single movie and leaving.

Don’t ask for someone’s movie. While you’re getting up close and personal with the stranger at the kiosk, it might suck to see them grab the movie you made the trip to Red Box for, but don’t ask them to remove the movie from their cart. Don’t tell them how long you’ve waited to watch it. Don’t try to guilt trip someone by saying it’s for your sick child. Get something else or try making an online reservation.

Get off your damn cell phone. Sighing is justified when you’re holding up the line while gabbing away about where you’re picking up supper. Hang up, put the person on hold, whatever…put the phone down and stop being so rude. The same goes for small talk — if you’re in line, fine. (Unless it’s with me.) If you’re at the kiosk, then discussing your weekend plans can wait.

If there’s a line, GET IN IT. People don’t generally stand single file near a Red Box kiosk, often with a bag of groceries in their hands, for their health. They’re standing there because they are waiting their turn to use the machine. Don’t lie in wait next to your car and make a beeline for the machine when you see someone take their movie. The other four people don’t care that you have an appointment, are late for whatever, or only need to return your three movies. Get in line. (Most people will offer to let you cut to return something if you ask nicely.)

Feel free to print off these rules and tape them to the Red Box in your neighborhood. Or say “Who the hell does this bitch think she is, making rules for renting movies” and go on a road trip to find me and irritate me at the Red Box.

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30 thoughts on “How To Red Box

  1. I had to Google “Red Box”. I’ve never heard of such a thing! Your rules could apply to many situations, though.
    I’m not big on queues myself. I’m more of a “lie on the couch and push buttons” kind of person 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I DO miss the video store! I DO!
    We had Netflix before Netflix was cool. You know, like when everyone was all, “Huh?” After like, NINE years, we realized we’d gotten pretty busy and had movies sitting around for over a month, so we canceled. Rarely do we think about it. Amazon’s alright, Redbox is alright, cable is alright. But YES, I miss the video store!
    The Mister hunts down movies, I play the trailers, we choose, he saves them, he picks them up. It’s a decent system.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was just thinking about this scene in Dawson’s Creek when one of the character’s says she’s going to “Make it a Blockbuster night.” I was imagining show that to my daughter and her asking, what’s that mean?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    I have to admit, I gave up on Red Box simply becuase I never brought anything back in a timely manner. The cost ended up being downright silly. It is easier (and cheaper) just to do “On Demand” from my local TV provider.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We actually have a video store in our little town, 5 minutes down the road. We go once or twice a week for Kat to pick out movies. We have Netflix and Amazon streaming and the Disney channel app, but she loves picking out movies. And it’s so insanely cheap. I’ve never used the red box before.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. aintnobodygottimeblog says:

    😂😂 Bwahahaha!! this is great!! If only I had a damn printer this would be up at the dollar store red box I frequent!!

    PS you know I’m old school so I think we should start a petition “bring back the video stores” and maybe an artist can make us a “coexist” sticker with some video store and Netflix references so we can put them as bumper stickers on our cars LOL

    Liked by 1 person

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