Mommy Started The Fire!

Yesterday evening, I decided to make my family a sweet treat. After looking around online, I found what was supposed to be a super easy doughnut recipe — no need for yeast and all that waiting around. I checked to make sure I had the ingredients I needed (and I did except for one, but I had a substitute), so I announced to the family over supper than I planned to make them doughnuts.

Don’t they look good?

There was much excitement.

“Nonuts!” Baby Girl said and looked around, no doubt curious where I was hiding them.

“You’re the best mommy ever!” Little Man exclaimed. “I can’t wait!”

“You know how to make doughnuts?” Sam asked. Maybe there was more skepticism than excitement on his part.

After we finished eating, I pulled out all the ingredients, put a pot full of oil on to heat up, and started mixing everything up. I had to substitute butter for shortening, and noticed that it more clumped together with the sugar than creamed, but didn’t think much of it. I sifted the flour and mixed the ingredients (very carefully, I’ll add, so that I wouldn’t beat my finger this time) and realized that the recipe wasn’t going to work exactly right, as the consistency was more that of a thick pancake batter than a dough that I could roll out, cut, etc.

“Y’all, we’re having doughnut balls instead!” I called out. I figured I could just drop spoonfuls of the dough, shake some powdered sugar over them and no one would care too much that they weren’t O-shaped.

As I was finishing up, Sam came back into the kitchen and asked whether the oil was supposed to be smoking. A bit of time had passed by then, since it had taken me a while to find measuring cups and spoons. “I think it’s just steaming. That means it’s ready for the dough,” I informed him. I turned on the overhead fan.

the-office-head-shaking

I dropped a spoonful of dough in the oil. It instantly turned dark and started smoking quickly. This is where that thing certain people have said to me that annoys the hell out of me came into play — “you might be smart, but you don’t have much common sense.” Instead of taking the damn doughnut out of the grease and taking the pot off the burner, I started fumbling around with the window to open it and air out the kitchen. By then Baby Girl started coughing in her high chair and yelled “Mommy!” at me and gave me a nasty look. So I took her out and handed her to Sam and told him to take the kids in another room and ran back into the kitchen.

Finally it dawned on me to turn off the stove and remove the pot, so I did. The grease was popping everywhere and was hot as hell (duh), so I went to the backdoor to take it outside. My eyes could have been deceiving me, but just as I walked out on the back porch, it looked like the doughnut sparked out of the corner of my eye. I sat the pot down and looked around, trying to figure out what to do. (Clearly jobs where one has to make split-second decisions, no matter how obvious the decisions are, are out for me.) Since the pot was still smoking, I decided to dump the contents over the back porch onto the thankfully very wet ground and watched as the smoke finally slacked off.

Upon realizing that my doughnut looked like a really dark turd, I went back in for my camera and took a picture of it.

Darth Vader’s helmet? A nasty mushroom? Poop? Nope, a burned doughnut.

Back in the house, things were pretty smoky. Little Man came running in with a bag over his head, calling it his breathing mask.

“Mommy, what did you do?! Are you trying to kill us all?”

“We’re going to drive down to my Mom’s for a while,” Sam said.

I stayed behind and opened up the rest of the windows and poured water on the doughnut turd just in case. When my sweet little family came home, they made a big deal about being able to breathe again and gave me a lot of shit about the whole thing. (Well, not Baby Girl, but if she could talk more, she’d probably be the ring leader.)

“She’s Fire Girl!” Little Man told Sam.

“Mommy started the fire! It was always burning since the world’s been turning,” Sam sang. If you’re a fan of The Office, you probably know what they’re referencing. If not, it’s a song one of the characters sings when another guy starts a fire with his cheesy pita.

ryan-started-the-fire-gif

After telling me that his mom thought my doughnut attempt was hilarious, Sam commented that he should’ve known better when I told him that the oil was supposed to steam.

“What’d you put the burner on?” he asked.

“High.”

“High?! Why would you ever put it on high? That probably should have been on medium heat.”

“I always put it on high, but then turn it down after I put the food in.” In my defense, I rarely fry foods, as I don’t like the smell of the oil.

“That’s now how you do it,” he said.

Apparently.

I still have the rest of the batter left, and it smells heavenly. Sam has offered to try making the doughnut balls with it tomorrow, so we’ll see how his attempt goes.

(We have two fire extinguishers, in case you’re wondering.)

Any big cooking screw ups for any of y’all lately? 

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60 thoughts on “Mommy Started The Fire!

  1. You can purchase a thermometer to clip on the side of the pot you are going to fry in. 350o is frying temp. It should be steady, if you put to many in it will bring the temp down so watch the temp. Perfect doughnuts every time. Good luck. We all make mistakes but that’s how you learn. Enjoyed the post. :o)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. love it;…my mom used to make the best maple bars….she made yeast dough….it was an all day extravaganza….but ended with full belly’s…..give it a try again…I have faith in you….maybe watch a u tbke video of how to do it first thought…and send the kids and husband away first….LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 🎶 Mommy started the fire:
    oh we saw her light it
    and then try to fight it. 🎶

    Don’t feel too bad – at least you know why things got smoky. About a month ago my crock pot mysteriously burst into flame . . .

    Liked by 2 people

  4. First of all, and this is the most important thing for you to learn, that song is not original to The Office. It is a Billy Joel song called We Didn’t Start the Fire. Look it up. Listen to it. Learn to love beautiful music! Also, it is fun to see how many references you get about history.
    Second, you need to get a fryer that has a dial to tell you the temperature because different things fry at different temperatures. The fryers come with those inner drippy things (don’t expect me to know every term if you don’t know Billy Joel songs) that you could pull out and not waste all the oil. I bet your doughnuts will be delicious tonight. I wish I could enjoy them.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I was only 5 or 6 when that came out! My husband is laughing his ass off over these comments and my never having listened to a Billy Joel song (and thinking he was the guy with the bleached hair). At least now I can say I have.

      Like

    • Oh lord, that doesn’t sound good! Have you been successful with other cauliflower recipes? I was thinking about trying pizza crust with it. I have never tasted cauliflower and am a picky eater (as is Baby Girl), but thought maybe that wouldn’t be too bad.

      Like

  5. I do fry donuts on high, but it doesn’t need a long preheat. A true, quick, easy donut is to take a can of canned biscuits. Tear a hole in the middle of each one. Mix up a little sifted powdered sugar and canned milk with a dab of vanilla extract. THEN, turn the grease on high. (I put ONE drop of water in my grease…..when it starts to crackle and pop the grease is ready. Put biscuits in a few at a time. (Leave plenty of room, they will double in size) Don’t walk away. In just a minute the first side will be golden. Flip each one over carefully. When that side is golden, take out and drain on paper towel When they are cooked, arrange on a serving dish, drizzle glaze over and enjoy while hot. These are great hot! Not so when cold.

    Barbara, blogging at Life & Faith in Caneyhead

    Liked by 1 person

  6. At least your house is still standing so that’s a plus!

    Recently I put some eggs on to boil and then went to play Fallout 4. Two and a half hours later I heard a loud bang and drew my weapon, thinking raiders were attacking my settlement. Turns out one of the eggs had exploded 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  7. And THAT’s why I refuse to deep fry anything. However, you did make us all laugh, so something good came out of. And you provided the kids with a story they will be taunting you with until they’re 28 (at least). Priceless ⚡️

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pretty much any cooking attempt of mine is a failure. There was the time when I was first married that I tried to make granola – yes GRANOLA – for my husband. You’d think this would be easy but when I read the recipe I saw that it asked for SHELLED sunflower seeds. So I figured (lots of education but little common sense) that by shelled they meant that they still had their shells. My husband secretly laughed his head off, but was nice enough not to tell the guys at work and ate around the shells. (I obviously brought it up to his workplace. So proud!). My mother found out, though, and still remembers it to this day. And laughs. And laughs.

    I should never cook. I also do not think fast. I’ll have to tell you later about the time my kid ate super glue at 2. Luckily it’s not poisonous.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh my…….Well, the closest I got to making homemade donuts is when I cut a little hole in the middle of a biscuit that comes in the can and dropped it in some grease. Now, I must admit it was tasty but most importantly it was easy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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