We The People

Before you scroll past this post with the speediness of a bat exiting The Fire Place, this is not one of those posts. You know, the ones that tell you how to vote, fuss at you for writing in I.P. Freely, or shame you for shamelessly shaming shamers. Nope, nada, no. None of that this time, but the title got your attention, right? Which is good, as long as it didn’t cause scroll fever.

This post is about one of the biggest scams of our times. Before you assume I’m talking about you-know-what after I said I wasn’t, let me show you the bullshit my husband brought home today:


You see that? Seven-point-five ounces. 7. Point. Five. Ounces. Only 90 calories instead of the usual 140. And this six pack costs more than a 12-pack of 12 ounce cans. What the actual fuck?

When I confronted my husband over his failed attempt at soda purchasing, he said he thought he was being helpful. “Well, I know you said you were cutting back on Coke, so I thought this would help.”

Help HELP?! I think not. The only thing it does is guarantee that I’ll drink two. And I’m always trying to scale back my Coke consumption, but not by drinking the shriveled penis version of a can of Coke, which leads me to say —

This is America, and We the People demand the right to rot our teeth with appropriately sized drinks! To rapidly spike our blood sugar! To rise our blood pressure! To feel sluggish and tired and all the other horrors this infographic says Coke can cause! We the People — mainly Anxious Mom, probably — think this can size is only suitable for children*, people with inferiority complexes who want to feel bigger than they really are without going to the Adam & Eve sex store, and for display purposes in a larger-than-average-sized dollhouse. That’s it.

neil-degrasse-tyson-mic-drop

Not sure that was worthy of being called a mic drop moment, but I really wanted to use this gif.

Is there a candidate out there who would make soda distributing great again? Because I’d vote for that guy. As long as s/he bans 7.5 ounce cans of Coke, 16.9 ounce bottles, 12 ounce plastic bottles (let’s limit 12 ounces to aluminum cans, okay?), 16 ounce cans (they’re just wrong), and fountain cups that are smaller than 32 ounces, then we’re good. (I’ll probably go for keeping 8 ounce glass bottles of Coke, as long as there is an agreement that they remain ice cold at all times.)

In summary — Cokes shouldn’t come in all sizes.

Whew. I feel much better now.

*Said children would only be pretending to drink the Coke, obviously.

[I’m pretty sure that there is at least one person who’ll think ‘That bitch, can’t appreciate her own husband for getting her a drink,’ if I don’t include a statement assuring everyone that this post is in jest, but that person will probably get Unappreciated Husband Rage and not even read to the end, so I’ll pass.]

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28 thoughts on “We The People

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    Well if Bloomberg ever runs for office, be sure you don’t vote for him. Apparently he “knows better” than you and sodas (pop for you northerners) are bad for you so he tried (successfully) to legislate large-r sizes away.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahahahaha well, now that you’ve said this is jest, i feel ok saying this…its ironic you say we the people deserve the right to rot our teeth with coke bc thats what these people are saying on the epsiode of “my 600lb life” im watching.

    Haha……… 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I actually buy those 8 packs of midget Pepsi bottles because they’re just the right size for adding on to my 52 oz. fountain drink in the mornings when it runs low. I thought at first this post was going to be complaining about how companies routinely shrink the sizes of their products ever so slowly hoping nobody will notice. I think the regular sized box of Kleenex has lost 64 tissues in total in my 18 years of shelf stocking… all taken away just a handful at a time….

    Liked by 2 people

    • lol!

      I have noticed that, too. A pack of Oreos ain’t nothing like it used to be! At first I wondered if it was because I’m fatter now that it just seems like less, but nope, they have definitely skimmed down.

      Like

  4. I have no idea what 12oz is but I’m assuming it’s a standard 330ml can, in which case I know of these mini-cans of which you speak. And now that you’ve described them as the “shrivelled penis version” I certainly won’t be touching them 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m with you, E! When I want soda, I don’t want a small one. For pity’s sake, those are for children, old ladies, and people who say ridiculous things like, “Just enough to wet your whistle.”

    You wanna come over and decorate handbaskets with me?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Those are obviously political cokes. They have red, white, and blue ribbons and are shorting you out of what you need to live. Namely cola. I have a coke addiction too, but I figure I’m not on heroin or shooting people, so cokes are okay. A doctor I saw once freaked out at the sight of my coke, saying it was POISON! Clearly that doctor needed more caffeine and / or sugar.

    Men don’t get grocery shopping. Watch me get complaints for sexism! Grammatically wrong sexism at that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ha!

      Everyone needs a little poison in their lives. Our family doc looked at my husband like he had a third eye when he mentioned making breakfast tacos for LM (who had lost weight, so she asked what he was eating). You’d think he was giving the kid ice cream and jelly beans for breakfast.

      I can only hope that someone leaves a 5000-word comment complaining about your comment in my comments. 😀

      Like

      • My oldest daughter was underweight for years – 16 pounds at one year old. We had to ask the doctor if it was okay to turn her carseat around because she was long and her feet were up by her ears. But since she kept going up on the growth chart, they didn’t arrest us. We were actually told to feed her french fries (no lie) to try to get her weight up.

        Like

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