Things Kids Say: Farts

My kids have said lots of stuff over the past week, but not much of it has been funny, as they’ve both been pissy with me. Especially Little Man. I’d say the tween years are upon us, except I checked, and supposedly that age range is 10 to 12. He’ll be nine next month, so I should have a little more time before he rolls his eyes, huffs, and talks so disrespectfully that I almost see red. I was proud of his ability to detect and use sarcasm when he was four, but now? Not as much. Not when it’s directed at me, anyway.

So…funny things my kids said. I checked Facebook, and I haven’t posted a single funny thing they’ve said all week. All week. That’s a long time in mom years. The only thing that comes to mind is something Baby Girl said last night, but it’s more of a crude humor thing than legit funny (well, not legit funny to me, but to Sam and LM, it was hilarious).

I was rocking Baby Girl when she farted on me. She started giggling, so I made a comment about her “tooting.” (When I was growing up, my Southern Baptist grandmother considered “fart” a bad word. We were permitted to say “tootled,” “tooted,” or maybe “poot” if we were feeling bold. But “fart”? Hell no. I was probably more comfortable saying “shit” as a teenager than I was saying “fart” or “darn” even.)

Baby Girl’s response to my comment was, “No, Mommy, I fart.”

“Baby Girl, we don’t say ‘fart,’ we say ‘toot.'” Not that it really makes a damn bit of difference. Gas is gas, but old habits die hard/we’re doomed to repeating the crap our parents/grandparent said.

Baby Girl shook her head. “FART,” she said loudly, as if I were stupid. “Little Man say ‘fart.'”

“Toot.”

“No. I not toot. I FART,” she said quite seriously.

I stopped at that. I have enough pride not to argue with a 2-year-old over this sort of thing.

Oh, and that reminds me of another mildly amusing thing she said. I was talking to her about using the potty — telling me when she has to poop or whatever (she was actually telling me a few months ago, but now is adamant that she’s done nothing at all, even when she’s squatting and straining) — when she heaved a big sigh, shook her head, and told me, “I go to the potty tomorrow.” Procrastinating already.


For some news about Little Man that doesn’t relate to him being rude, he found out that he won the school science fair this week. His project, the source of a minor scandal since kids thought he was drinking wine, was a hit. As Little Man is now saying, “Praise Poseidon!” (Yeah, tabling the ‘go back to church’ thing.) He’ll go to the district fair in a couple of weeks. That fair is the day after the district spelling bee (and is the same week of his birthday, whew). The kid is killing it this year!

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